Wazzup wid lyf??

          After a really long time, I'm posting again. One reason is that I had lots of work, even on weekends. The biggest and probably the most important is that I had not been much well. When I was in high school, I imagined myself to be a person who's damn too busy but who keeps cool ad-mist all the tumult. And now, I am that, with the exception of cool part. Stress is not easy to cope with! I finally broke down one day, emotionally and physically.Neither my mind or nerves could stand it.


         Well.....What did I do then? Seriously, Nothing. I resigned myself to everything. I stopped bothering about life's big dreams. For once, I concentrated on living for that moment. To be blunt, I had cut down the food I was taking, slept more, thought nothing about my dreams and did what I am supposed to do with indifference - job responsibilities, the prerequisites needed to achieve my dream and everything else I treated as a chore. I stopped asking people for support because they had been too haughty with me. Funnily, once I started being indifferent, everything turned out well. The people help me without my asking, job responsibilities less burdensome and my preparation for goals more fun. Being a chronic worrying wreck, I don't know how long will I be able to do this. But I will always come up with other idea and I can count on myself for that!

Fight of life

Everyday starts with a new hope. It's gives enormous strength of doing the otherwise and progressing in life. Every morning I am embodied with a unconquerable will to win and thrive. I want to thrive not just live, I say to myself. I dare to be different and I work hard on that.
As the day progresses towards dawn, My spirits founder. I wonder if what all I am trying to achieve is worthy or will I be able to accomplish it. I start to feel that what I am trying to accomplish is a gigantic task and lot of complexities are involved in it. I realise that I am all alone in this and that thought begets 'why?'. If i stay like this, I need not confront any obstacles. I am safe, safe for now, safe this moment. A voice inside me mocks that I am letting myself stagnate by refusing to step out of my comfort zone. I let myself to dwell in those thoughts. As I settle for it feeling dejected and hopelessly sad, I come across some quotes, written by some co-worker, in effort  to push himself through the day. Most of those are on life and sometimes do help me get out of my despondence. The same thing happened today. It read 'Struggles are sign of life'. The very moment I stopped thinking about quitting. In fact I stopped thinking about everything. From this moment on, I try to remember that line. But one fact is that despite what mood I am in, I keep working on my dream, just in case and just in case i might keep up the good spirit always and step outside of my comfort zone.

In Self-Acceptance

I am a perfectionist, or at least I think I am. I'll drive myself throughout the day and then judge myself at the end. I don't need an enemy to show where I went wrong because I am my biggest enemy and my worst fear. I get a 'well, okay' when I succeed but the other times, my other self goes into a tirade. There will be some days when I am afraid to have a free moment which can make me think and contemplate. It's like trying to escape an abusive person, the worst part being that the person is our 'self'.

A few days ago I read an article on self-acceptance and then I realized that am being too harsh on myself. After-all,  my habits/thoughts are product of the surrounding people and environment. I can make myself better but I cannot drive myself to insanity by pushing myself harder and harder, comparing with others. That thought had hit me with so much force that in the past few days, I feel like heaven inside myself. I am doing what I can but not what an Einstein or Michelangelo will do. As of now, that abusive person is gone. I hope it's permanent, if not, I know what to do.