Accepting Past

I'm not a perfect soul. But I have always been trying to achieve perfection. . Some wise person said that one who can live in peace with self will be the happiest. The other day I was thinking about this. Like everyone one else in this world, I too have regrets, bitterness, disappointments in my life. I keep thinking about who life would be different if I had made a different choice or where I would've been if  I tried or did things differently. There are times where clearly I made the obvious wrong choice. At the end of the day, I remind myself that I did whatever I thought was best in the past. I made those decisions with the maturity I had on that day. Since I had different mind set, what I did then was perfectly right. Most of the things then stop bothering me, at least for some time. Still, I always have things that keep me awake at nights, and most are from the past.

There are some situations which deeply pain me even at the thought of them. My mind warns to stop thinking of it. A logical decision! But sometimes, I insist on thinking about it and try to make peace with it. Though the process is painful, sometimes I get over those completely. The next time I think about them, they no longer are issues.

*Conditions Apply

Most of the times we fail to notice the tagline. And sometimes we think there will be no taglines at all. One such time will be when we are practicing virtues, ideals...

I generally have a habit of accepting any mistake I make. I generally don't feel defensive when people point me out. I feel ashamed, admit that I made a mistake and then act on it to make the situation better. One such thing happened recently. Someone pointed me for my work that I made a mistake. I accepted and thanked them for pointing it out. While all this happened, I felt that this particular person is trying to help me out. I continued rectifying my mistake. However, I was blithely unaware that ‘person’ was cooking something behind my back. This one added few more spices to what I did and raised a mini emergency crisis. When I went back to work the next day, I found out that the situation is much worse than I expected. The Black suits had been told, obviously by ‘this one’, that the whole team (My team at work) has been negligent, reckless and stuff like that. This incident sort of created a war like situation at work and made me read the tagline again, Conditions apply.

Maybe we can accept and own our mistakes before others but what matters is who the ‘others’ are. Most of the times, we don’t know who the ‘others’ are. They might be anyone, Friends, Opportunists, Enemies or simply by-standers. I made a mistake not by accepting my mistake but by accepting it before the wrong person.

Well, this serves as a lesson. Never again in my life will hastily proceed without thinking twice. J

Are Dreams for Real?

             When I was kid, I had dreamed of many things. I would be going around the world, be successful and live very happily. I was in military forces one day, CEO next day.... But I decided that I would be an astronaut ever since I stepped into high school. I behaved like one. As time progressed, I was forced to give up on that as I had health problems. I had shut off myself against it. I switched to another stream, first reluctantly and then out of genuine interest. I then started dreaming of being successful in this particular field. Again something happened and I had to land into a job which couldn't entrance me, even for a split second, in these many years. After taking it up, I had only one dream. To be happy. But someway or the other, even this seems eluding. So why are we still dreaming?
               
              I am not looking for an answer as to why this is happening? I just want to know if dreams are fantasies that we humans invent for ourselves to live through the day or are they something real, moving and forcing us to act upon something great. I know, I don't get accurate answer even if I ask people because they give only their perception of it. Well, as for me, when times are rough, I go by the line 'Thy will be done'. All other times, 'I will be the master of my fate, Captain of my soul.'

Lost in New York!

Today I travelled through the streets of New York. I was literally lost in those streets for some time. I was enjoying it, as I looked at those buildings and streets with childlike enthusiasm and wonder. I visited Hell's Kitchen, Times square and a few other places. To be frank, I am on new york roads from yesterday. I haven't been at important places but I am on the roads. I walked along Hudson river, made my way through the busy roads, crowded places. I was enjoying myself to the full. I am alone but I didn't feel lonely. I was not afraid. The words are

I have been doing that for sometime today. As I was finding my way to hell's kitchen today, I had a message saying that the manager is back. Quickly I closed the google maps and started doing the work.
I hope no one comes when I am visiting Paris.

PS:- I had this written weeks ago. Forgot to post!!! 

In an effort to stay sane!

The title is weird, I know. I just want to convey that I am trying to stay sane. My work load has increased in the office and I am working without a break from 4 weeks. Another break-less week is ahead. The first week I literally collapsed with the stress and tension. At one point I totally gave up and started to search in Google with the phrases 'unemployed' 'survive without paycheck' 'quit day job' 'unhappy at work'. It sounds insane but as far as I know everyone does this. At the last search I found a blog about happiness at work. 'Funny Title! it's an oxymoron' was my first thought. But as I kept reading, there are many things I found really helpful. The site is 'www.positivesharing.com'. 


 After reading for sometime, I kept thinking about why I am living on the edge, as if hell breaks loose if i don't work so seriously and tensely.  I found out that the main reason that I get much tensed about work and stay worried all the time is that I keep thinking about work even when I leave office. To clarify, I don't work after coming home or do work related things but will have a background score of work running always. May be I am paying too much attention. Should work on that!

Faux Amis.....

A true foe is better than a false friend. A foe never pushes you into any thing uncomfortable. It's only you that burn the furance so hot and then singe yourself. if you maintain your cool, then none can bother you. But false friends are the ones who play with your emotions. They make you feel that you are at a loss if you don't accept what they said and emotionally blackmail you to do things for them. They make us feel like we are so dependent on them and if we distance them, we will be amputated permanently. They are admist us, we have to just notice. But funnily, recognizing them is not easy. Like in films, these won't behave at their worst, or say nasty things. They say good things first and will do anything for you. Soon you will be dependening on them for everything. You're trapped. Even when we realize finally that we are possessed by them, we will not be able to live without them or with them. we are trapped. By the time we recover, we will be impaired in terms of confidence. But this person whom I know doesn't do this intentionally, well, at least I think. She controls others in some way and everyone tend to grow submissive, mostly out of the cultivated manners, and let her rule over. But when does she know that people don't genuinely like to spend time with her? and what happens when she comes to know it?

Work, Money and the Things they buy

       I have always been thinking of switching my career, even before I completed 1 year with the firm. I work in a job which takes up 9 hours in the office and at least 3 hours on the roads due to traffic daily.  And the work is not at all challenging. I'm the kind of person who loves challenges and is debilitated without it. No wonder I feel so immobilized.These days I am so fed up that i don't want to work at all. It's not a problem with the firm because all companies need the same type of work.

       So I've been thinking of quitting the job. But what should i do after quitting? I will be rejoicing first week 'being unemployed'. But, with my mentality,I cannot bear abeyance or stagnation. I grow restless first and then insanity follows. Maybe, I can go into woods like Thoreau and write a book (Okay! I can't do it) or go around the world but what about the bucks needed to do that? Since I won't be getting my paycheck, how will i survive? My thoughts turned to earning passive income but that amount is far too less to live with, let alone pay for traveling.

       I never had myself attached too much with money but the thought of not getting paycheck is conjuring up nightmares of being a pauper. Everyone says that it's hard to give up job, even if it sucks. For the first time in my life, I am believing it now. And the saddest part is that paycheck is responsible for it rather than the job itself.