Narcissistic frienemies!!!

Recently, I had a bad experience with a person, who was my friend. Almost with everyone, her relationship is the narcissus-echo kind of relationship. It's all about her. She'll won't let you talk about yourself or your plans or your life. She'll mask your story with hers. It's only her vacation, her boyfriend, her marriage, her rich family, how great she is...

Yet, I thought like everyone else and stayed friends with her. I defended her through her fights with random people, lost some of my good friends in the process, let her pass my ideas as her own, lent her my stuff, did some chores for her... Despite my feeling that this relationship is getting too much for me, I tried to be a good friend. Then there came something which involved financial deals and I made the mistake of trusting her and her judgement. It's after I lost about half my money, that I learned that the deal wasn't well thought of. That was a blow to me, losing that much. All my attempts to save that money were last minute and nothing worked out. I finally called it off in an attempt to at least save what is left. I have at least managed to minimize losses if not invest in a smart deal. I was angry at this friend for making a bad choice on my behalf but more, I was angry with myself for trusting her.
                                      

The unexpected, she broke up with me saying that she trusted me to stay, and she's losing her money because of me now and how terrible and not trustworthy I am, that she never ever wants to talk to me or look at me again, much less care about me. All the times, it was I who ended up doing random stuff for her, I was always the echo. If anyone had the right to break this relationship, then I had. But yeah, thinking over it, I think it was good for me. The day I walked away from her, I lost trust in people. But my life continued. I made new friends, who are nicer to me, who believe in mutual responsibility for a relationship, who don't trample  you with "their life" and who actually are friends with you because they want to be, not because they have gains from it. Looking back, actually I think this whole drama happened for my best.  Personally, I would never breakup with any friend because it's hard for me, how worst the other person maybe. This relationship was already toxic and I had to get out of it. Yet I was thinking about her and her needs so much and was being too considerate, that I forgot to take care of myself. And then the deal came along. Even though I lost quite a lot in the process that time, I'm glad now that I have one less friend who is fake. 

Life, Wazzup wid ya?

 Well, It's almost an year since I posted anything. But yeah, I'm still here. If you happened to read my previous posts, you would know that I was stuck in a job, trying to get out of it and do something meaningful. I did it. I have quit my job and started on a journey which has the potential to take me where I wanted to go.

 For this I had to leave my comfort zone and venture into new horizons. Truth be told, it was scary. Even now I have doubts for future and sometimes, when my day is going bad, I feel that I shouldn't have left the safety net of that job. But the very moment I know that if i hadn't done that, I would've experienced nothing in my life. It wasn't until I left my comfort zone and started living on my own and by myself with least support from others, I came to know so much about people and also myself. I had doubts, self-doubts and distorted view of my ability, both in superior ways and inferior ways. I was sure I could do a lot of stuff and couldn't/won't do a lot other. Some proved to be right. A lot proved to be wrong.

 For example, I had idols I revered. They are the most intelligent, never-do-wrong, godly species in my life. This is where I was wrong. When you deify people, you are biased about everything they do. You don't question them, instead you carry out their advice as an order. It wasn't until I spent some time with these role models, I realized  that they are also normal people, who took better decisions with their previous experience, whose advice may or may not be good for your situation. You have to grow your spine and start taking decisions based on their advice and learn how to take better decisions rather than relying on them all the time. 

 There was a point where I thought I was antisocial if not asocial. Once I had to meet and share spaces with other people, I realized I wasn't. I just take some time to get used to people and depending on the compatibility levels, we socialize. I thought I was one of those elite people who can conjure up magical results of anything in the first go, but unfortunately, I am not. I still struggle with completing my work and getting results sometimes. Some days suck and some days can't be anymore better. I am better than some people at somethings and lack everything at some other things in which they are good at.  Here I go, I am as normal as any other person is and as abnormal as any other person is. 

Love you!

There is no more clichéd word than it. If there's any word that describes that feeling more perfectly, I would definitely choose that. But I doubt if there's some strong word or a word at all, to describe that; the feeling which I have for her.
Not 12 hours has passed since I shot a look of disapproval at her for teasing me.  I know she was hurt with that look and I have felt it at that moment. But I also felt right in doing that at that time, I was reluctant to leave her and she's perfectly unaware of my feelings. And yet after half an hour I wished that I could stay and curl up in her lap. I wanted to rest on her as she sings a lullaby, with rights on it reserved only for me. I know I am always special for her but I wanted her to show it. I had a impulse to run to her and hide my face in her lap and find solace when her hand gently caresses my hair. I yearned for that, as a starved one yearns for food; but this solace I find with her will not satiate me, possibly forever. Of course, it's so natural.

I had to resign myself acknowledging that she has so much to do and any slight change in my bold behavior would make her upset and cancel her plans of happiness. I cannot separate her from her father. She needs him just the way I need her. I accepted it reluctantly but what other option did I have besides acquiescing, knowing the daily busi-ness of life, her and mine too. Still I am selfish for my happiness but not at the cost of hers. I love her more than I love my happiness. But I want her to remember that I always love her. I love you mom!

A dark gloomy life or just a day?

Today is one of those reflecting moments. No matter how hard we try, we can't just be happy all the time. Speaking of which, I was wondering when I was happy for real. Maybe I wasn't wholeheartedly happy in the past many years. I laughed, I shared nice moments with friends but even ad-mist the partying crowd, one voice was always reminding me, no...actually questioning, if this is the utmost happiness that one can get?

Being happy and laughing are not synonymous. I laugh when I hear a joke, I also laugh when I'm in pain but have to keep it a secret. Maybe that's why people want their childhood back. A life without questions, needing no answers and posing nothing. They don't pretend. They cry when they want and rejoice when they are happy.

The most clichéd question 'purpose of life' has entered into my life when I was in high school. It's like turning into vampires. Once this question sets in, there's nothing one can do. Day after day it pops up into mind. Just have to adjust ourselves to that, it doesn't go away, ever. Stuck with it forever. Some days we find or we think we have found the answer. On a temporary basis, it rocks our world and brightens our life. Whole life seems a festival then. And then one day the 'question' presents itself again till we feel unsure of the answer. The whole world collapses again. Is this what life is or am I abnormal? Will this ever go?

Aftermath - Phase1 and Work success!

SHUT UP!!!!

Yes, that was what my inner animal voice (goes crazy when things go too good) was saying. The phase -1 of my dream is officially completed and guess what, I surpassed my expectations. It felt good. Yes, it really feels good when you have been thinking that you can't do something all your life and suddenly you do it, winning laurels. The other day I heard a pod cast on fear where a little girl complains that the feeling in her tummy is bad on first day of her school. So feel bad, there's nothing wrong in acknowledging fear, is what the father said. Looks simple from outside unless tried. Ask me!

Somehow even my workplace is better now, as far as my work is concerned. I still want to leave it so as to accomplish my dream but I have to acknowledge that I am doing better than what everyone expected. Funnily that turned out to be a bit confusing leaving me worried when people from other departments wanted me to "share" their work. That left me confused for sometime but finally I turned down requests or else I would've been working 24/7 if I 'shared' it. Turning down was difficult part as I didn't want to hurt anyone but that was the only thing to do if I ever wanted to keep myself in one piece and in peace.

Maybe giving our best 100% at work is not good after all!!!

I'd ask beautiful life

What's keeping me busy these days? Well, I have been working towards my goal and this step demanded much time from me. I am happy that I'm doing it. It has been going on for months together and there were times when I just wanted to shut off everything and just do nothing. I used to take break, console myself and then come back. There were times when I just wanted to quit. But I persisted, well, not exactly me but something in me. It was saying that this might be the way to be happy, a way to change the dull life I've been living, a chance to be different. It said at least a try would be worthy so as not to regret it in future. I persisted and here I am. In a few days, I'll be done with phase-1 of my dream. And I am sure that I'll be getting what I want. I know that, for sure! I don't care how things turn out as I expected, but I know they will. I'm not concerned about the 'how'. Law of attraction blended with work!

There are people out there who want to be different and want to go for their dreams. One of my friend is! But indulging in self-doubt and confusion is her archenemy. I read it in Dale Carnegie's 'How to stop worrying...' that after a point, there should not be any thinking because it begets other doubts, Just what happened to her. I'm not saying I'm better as she had better grades than me,when she was in college. What I'm saying is that her grades helped her before and her courage is failing her now. After a few years, she will not be probably able to muster up enough confidence to try, even if she decides what to do. What a pity to know, at the age of 60, that every month, all life, they have been waiting and counting on the security that is provided by their paycheck. What a pity to know after wasting 10 years of life, that we are just one in the flock and are easily replaceable!

I'd rather do whatever I want to and have loads of beautiful memories at the age of 60 rather than having a 'big' everything but no life and memories to cherish.

Scared of Self???

  This day is filled with thoughts....not about the thickness of thin things surrounding me but about life, as a bigger picture.
           
  The other day I had a dream about being chased by a dino. Out of curiosity, I googled what that might mean. The interpretation went something like this : Your personality is changed and some aspects are no longer 'you' anymore. Either you are getting away from a past aspect in you or some past event is haunting you now.

             
   I am not sure if this is right or wrong but true that I have changed a lot. Change is always good, people say but in my case, it's not so good. Back then, when I was still studying and learning things, I had enjoyed being myself. I enjoyed working on things, that stimulated me, for hours and yet I was not tired. I enjoyed daydreaming and felt the magic of those fantasies wholeheartedly. There were things that bored me but still those weren't the things that drove me through the day. Some days I felt skipping some things, even the things which interested me, because at times I felt that I was doing 'too much of it'. Once I am out of hangover, I would start again! As I see now, I would picture myself as obssessed, arrogant and passionate one, then.Those were really good times!

  If i look at myself now, I am not that anymore. I have lost that sparkle, zeal for everything. I am a obedient employee. I have no passion for everything, not even paycheck. i don't work on something for long and neither do I take breaks from it to recover from the 'hangover'. I feel that I can be something great, less often now. Fortunately, that feeling still exists. I am not as daring as I was then but I had accepted some things as they are. Acceptance is a good thing but not in this case. Accepting the false notion that one is not worthy or is useless is very dangerous.