Love you!

There is no more clichéd word than it. If there's any word that describes that feeling more perfectly, I would definitely choose that. But I doubt if there's some strong word or a word at all, to describe that; the feeling which I have for her.
Not 12 hours has passed since I shot a look of disapproval at her for teasing me.  I know she was hurt with that look and I have felt it at that moment. But I also felt right in doing that at that time, I was reluctant to leave her and she's perfectly unaware of my feelings. And yet after half an hour I wished that I could stay and curl up in her lap. I wanted to rest on her as she sings a lullaby, with rights on it reserved only for me. I know I am always special for her but I wanted her to show it. I had a impulse to run to her and hide my face in her lap and find solace when her hand gently caresses my hair. I yearned for that, as a starved one yearns for food; but this solace I find with her will not satiate me, possibly forever. Of course, it's so natural.

I had to resign myself acknowledging that she has so much to do and any slight change in my bold behavior would make her upset and cancel her plans of happiness. I cannot separate her from her father. She needs him just the way I need her. I accepted it reluctantly but what other option did I have besides acquiescing, knowing the daily busi-ness of life, her and mine too. Still I am selfish for my happiness but not at the cost of hers. I love her more than I love my happiness. But I want her to remember that I always love her. I love you mom!

A dark gloomy life or just a day?

Today is one of those reflecting moments. No matter how hard we try, we can't just be happy all the time. Speaking of which, I was wondering when I was happy for real. Maybe I wasn't wholeheartedly happy in the past many years. I laughed, I shared nice moments with friends but even ad-mist the partying crowd, one voice was always reminding me, no...actually questioning, if this is the utmost happiness that one can get?

Being happy and laughing are not synonymous. I laugh when I hear a joke, I also laugh when I'm in pain but have to keep it a secret. Maybe that's why people want their childhood back. A life without questions, needing no answers and posing nothing. They don't pretend. They cry when they want and rejoice when they are happy.

The most clichéd question 'purpose of life' has entered into my life when I was in high school. It's like turning into vampires. Once this question sets in, there's nothing one can do. Day after day it pops up into mind. Just have to adjust ourselves to that, it doesn't go away, ever. Stuck with it forever. Some days we find or we think we have found the answer. On a temporary basis, it rocks our world and brightens our life. Whole life seems a festival then. And then one day the 'question' presents itself again till we feel unsure of the answer. The whole world collapses again. Is this what life is or am I abnormal? Will this ever go?

Aftermath - Phase1 and Work success!

SHUT UP!!!!

Yes, that was what my inner animal voice (goes crazy when things go too good) was saying. The phase -1 of my dream is officially completed and guess what, I surpassed my expectations. It felt good. Yes, it really feels good when you have been thinking that you can't do something all your life and suddenly you do it, winning laurels. The other day I heard a pod cast on fear where a little girl complains that the feeling in her tummy is bad on first day of her school. So feel bad, there's nothing wrong in acknowledging fear, is what the father said. Looks simple from outside unless tried. Ask me!

Somehow even my workplace is better now, as far as my work is concerned. I still want to leave it so as to accomplish my dream but I have to acknowledge that I am doing better than what everyone expected. Funnily that turned out to be a bit confusing leaving me worried when people from other departments wanted me to "share" their work. That left me confused for sometime but finally I turned down requests or else I would've been working 24/7 if I 'shared' it. Turning down was difficult part as I didn't want to hurt anyone but that was the only thing to do if I ever wanted to keep myself in one piece and in peace.

Maybe giving our best 100% at work is not good after all!!!

I'd ask beautiful life

What's keeping me busy these days? Well, I have been working towards my goal and this step demanded much time from me. I am happy that I'm doing it. It has been going on for months together and there were times when I just wanted to shut off everything and just do nothing. I used to take break, console myself and then come back. There were times when I just wanted to quit. But I persisted, well, not exactly me but something in me. It was saying that this might be the way to be happy, a way to change the dull life I've been living, a chance to be different. It said at least a try would be worthy so as not to regret it in future. I persisted and here I am. In a few days, I'll be done with phase-1 of my dream. And I am sure that I'll be getting what I want. I know that, for sure! I don't care how things turn out as I expected, but I know they will. I'm not concerned about the 'how'. Law of attraction blended with work!

There are people out there who want to be different and want to go for their dreams. One of my friend is! But indulging in self-doubt and confusion is her archenemy. I read it in Dale Carnegie's 'How to stop worrying...' that after a point, there should not be any thinking because it begets other doubts, Just what happened to her. I'm not saying I'm better as she had better grades than me,when she was in college. What I'm saying is that her grades helped her before and her courage is failing her now. After a few years, she will not be probably able to muster up enough confidence to try, even if she decides what to do. What a pity to know, at the age of 60, that every month, all life, they have been waiting and counting on the security that is provided by their paycheck. What a pity to know after wasting 10 years of life, that we are just one in the flock and are easily replaceable!

I'd rather do whatever I want to and have loads of beautiful memories at the age of 60 rather than having a 'big' everything but no life and memories to cherish.

Scared of Self???

  This day is filled with thoughts....not about the thickness of thin things surrounding me but about life, as a bigger picture.
           
  The other day I had a dream about being chased by a dino. Out of curiosity, I googled what that might mean. The interpretation went something like this : Your personality is changed and some aspects are no longer 'you' anymore. Either you are getting away from a past aspect in you or some past event is haunting you now.

             
   I am not sure if this is right or wrong but true that I have changed a lot. Change is always good, people say but in my case, it's not so good. Back then, when I was still studying and learning things, I had enjoyed being myself. I enjoyed working on things, that stimulated me, for hours and yet I was not tired. I enjoyed daydreaming and felt the magic of those fantasies wholeheartedly. There were things that bored me but still those weren't the things that drove me through the day. Some days I felt skipping some things, even the things which interested me, because at times I felt that I was doing 'too much of it'. Once I am out of hangover, I would start again! As I see now, I would picture myself as obssessed, arrogant and passionate one, then.Those were really good times!

  If i look at myself now, I am not that anymore. I have lost that sparkle, zeal for everything. I am a obedient employee. I have no passion for everything, not even paycheck. i don't work on something for long and neither do I take breaks from it to recover from the 'hangover'. I feel that I can be something great, less often now. Fortunately, that feeling still exists. I am not as daring as I was then but I had accepted some things as they are. Acceptance is a good thing but not in this case. Accepting the false notion that one is not worthy or is useless is very dangerous.

Wazzup wid lyf??

          After a really long time, I'm posting again. One reason is that I had lots of work, even on weekends. The biggest and probably the most important is that I had not been much well. When I was in high school, I imagined myself to be a person who's damn too busy but who keeps cool ad-mist all the tumult. And now, I am that, with the exception of cool part. Stress is not easy to cope with! I finally broke down one day, emotionally and physically.Neither my mind or nerves could stand it.


         Well.....What did I do then? Seriously, Nothing. I resigned myself to everything. I stopped bothering about life's big dreams. For once, I concentrated on living for that moment. To be blunt, I had cut down the food I was taking, slept more, thought nothing about my dreams and did what I am supposed to do with indifference - job responsibilities, the prerequisites needed to achieve my dream and everything else I treated as a chore. I stopped asking people for support because they had been too haughty with me. Funnily, once I started being indifferent, everything turned out well. The people help me without my asking, job responsibilities less burdensome and my preparation for goals more fun. Being a chronic worrying wreck, I don't know how long will I be able to do this. But I will always come up with other idea and I can count on myself for that!